Fairyland
by enVii
Summary: Envy and Pride!ed go to fairyland and become Roy’s fairy godparents.


Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Bluebird's Illusion, the Coca-Cola Company or this computer.

**Fairyland **- a tale inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki's 'Pride' and 'Fairyland' ... I'm original, huh?

* * *

"Envy!" 

"What?"

"Let's go to Fairyland!"

"Why?"

"Well to catch some fairies, put them in jars, and sell them to people for millions of dollars, of course."

Pride had wanted to become a millionaire ever since Envy had explained to him that a couple of quarters weren't enough to buy exclusive rights to the Coca-Cola company.

"…Okay but I don't know how to get there – my street directory is waaaay outdated," said Envy.

"Let's ask Father then," Pride suggested.

"Like he'd know."

"I, like, know!" yelled Hohenheim, bursting through the door.

"You do?" asked Pride.

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"WELL TELL US THEN!" said Envy.

"Oh, right!" Hohenheim said. "You see boys, after baby caterpillars eat lots and lots of leaves, they wrap themselves in cocoons and come out as snails!"

"…Don't you mean butterflies?" asked Pride.

"BUTTERFLIES! Of course! It's all starting to make sense – you're a genius Pride, have I ever told you that?"

"Actually you tell him all the time," said Envy, "BUT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WE WANTED TO KNOW!"

Hohenheim sighed. "Sounds like someone's living up to their name…cough-ENVY-cough."

Envy burst a vein.

"Besides," Hohenheim added, "I didn't say I knew what _you_ wanted to ask me, did I?"

"Well Father, do you know how to get to Fairyland?" Pride asked.

"Duh," Hohenheim said. "Where do you think I went to college?"

"YOU WENT TO COLLEGE AT _FAIRYLAND_?" asked Envy.

"No – whatever gave you that impression? Oh right, I did kinda just throw that in there, didn't I?"

Pride and Envy nodded.

"But seriously," said Hohenheim, "GUESS!"

"Can we _PLEASE_ stick to the subject?" Envy asked.

"No – I don't have glue that strong! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Or 'LOL' as you crazy kids would say!" Hohenheim collapsed in a fit of laughter. "Get it? Stick?"

Pride and Envy slowly backed away.

"Maybe we should ask Lust?" Pride suggested.

"Okay," said Envy, and they left the room in search of Lust.

"Ahh," Hohenheim sighed, while reaching for a tissue. "I'm so brilliant."

**-Lust's room-**

"Lust," said Pride, "we're trying to get to Fairyland – we thought you might know the way."

"…Is that some sort of metaphor for something I reeeeaaaallly don't want to know about?"

"No – this is another of his get-rich-quick schemes," Envy explained.

"Okay – I won't ask."

"It's for the best," said Envy.

"Let me see…Fairyland…maybe I just picked this up somewhere, but I think you have to close your eyes and think of the scariest thing you can," Lust said.

"No problem," said Pride, closing his eyes, "…AHH! CHILDREN!"

"You there yet, Pride?" asked Envy.

"No – and the children are getting closer!"

"You give it a try, Envy!" said Lust.

"…I don't know…well, alright, but this had better work," Envy closed his eyes and pictured Hohenheim in a bikini. '_…teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini!_' the vision sang. "I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!" Envy yelled, opening his eyes, "This _isn't _working, Lust!"

"No, children please! Have mercy!" cried Pride.

"You can open your eyes now, Pride," said Lust.

He did so with a jolt. "Freedom – sweet freedom!"

"There must be something missing…" mused Envy.

"What's missing, boys and Lust," said Hohenheim, as he sprang into the room, "is a pinch of fairy dust mites!" He then pulled out a beetle the size of your average microwave. "Pinch them, Fluffy!" he ordered it.

"Are you sure that's a fairy dust mite?" they screamed.

"Sure as I'll ever be!" he said, "Which isn't all that sure…but here's hoping!" He hurled it towards them and with gleaming pincers it pinched them both.

* * *

"Are we…" Pride mumbled, still feeling dazed, "in…Fairyland?" He battled with his heavy eyelids to take a look for himself.

"PRIDE!" yelled Envy, "Get up – you've fallen on the Happy Fairy of the North!"

Pride jumped up and landed on another fairy. "Oops!"

"And now you've fallen on the Wicked Fairy of the West!"

"EEP."

"Quick – let's get out of here!" Envy yelled.

"Just a sec, it would be a shame to let these ruby slippers go to waste," said Pride, putting on the slippers of the fairy he'd just squashed.

"HALT!" came the voice of a really big, mean-looking fairy.

"I wasn't going anywhere," said Pride, "since when do slippers have so many buckles…"

Envy tried to deal with the situation. "Is there a problem, officer?"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

"…Officer?"

"Oh good, I thought you said Rocco, which annoyed me because it isn't my name."

"…"

"BUT WAIT! You called me officer? WHAT MADE YOU THINK I WAS AN OFFICER?"

"…Well…I…ummm…"

"Well it was a lucky guess, because it just so happens that I _am _an officer."

"Phew," said Envy.

"AND I SAW WHAT YOU DID – YOU GUYS ARE BUSTED!"

**-10 mins later in the Fairy Court-**

"I hereby sentence you two," said the judge, "to………wait for it……TO BECOMING FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Pride, "NOT THE CHILDREN!"

"Please, Your Honour! It was an accident!" said Envy.

Pride calmed himself down a little, that is to say that Envy punched him in the face. "Your Honour, as you can see my friend here simply cannot deal with being around children, you must reconsider your verdict!" Pride pleaded.

"Say what?" said Envy.

"Well in that case, I shall assign you two to an adult…or so he calls himself…"

'_Please be Batman, please be Batman…' _Pride thought to himself.

"His name is Hohenheim."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Pride and Envy, bursting into tears.

"No wait – I'm sorry, I must've misread it…"

"REALLY? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" they yelled.

"It's actually Roy Mustang."

Pride and Envy looked at each other, mouths gaping, and both fainted.

"Fairies…" sniggered one of the court officials.

Still unconscious, the judge's fairy magic sent them to Central to begin their work. It wasn't actually necessary, but she also gave them little pink fairy wings.

The _supposedly _over-worked Colonel lay asleep in his office when the pair of sins came crashing through the roof landing on and breaking his desk.

Roy, upon hearing the painful smashing sounds, woke up. "WHAT THE…"

"Uhh…surprise?"

* * *

Author: Blah! What will happen next time? Will there even _be _a next time?

Roy: I don't know.

Author: THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS, BUSTER! –tackles Roy-


End file.
